One of the toughest things to do as a parent is to make a clean sweep change in the home because there are other people to consider. Suddenly doing things differently can meet with every negative in the human sphere. Children will be defiant; spouses may be passively aggressive; in laws critical and neighbors taken back as new rules and new schedules emerge.

Before making clean sweeps, it’s best to use a little thing we used to make good use of namely self examination. The question to ask the self is: What have I done or failed to do in the past that I’m now going to change?

Have I been too lax about things that matter?
Have I been too strict about things that really don’t matter?
Have I given my children room to grow or have I been stingy about time and space?
Have I jumped to conclusions without taking the time to listen?
Have I simply not listened because it’s just too hard?
Have I brushed off my spouse or my child in favor of my own needs?

These activities are primary in making anger or violence emerge, so really examining the self to understand where the problem lies is a first job. The question of where the anger comes from will lead to success. Failing to get to the bottom of the cause of the anger will not allow success.

Most anger stems from ignorance and a reluctance to participate in the activities that call us. Someone who is angry has generally failed to fully enter the play be it household or workplace or church or club or source place of the anger. When they are finally forced to participate, anger surfaces when they finally have to participate. By keeping aloof of activities, ignorance of what the play actually is forces all kinds of negative feelings, and when laughter surfaces from the play, the parent who is not connected is likely to snap.

By learning to step into any and all activities in the home, to be aware, to be listening, parents will become a part of the play. Being part of the play takes every question above and neutralizes them one by one.

While we are in the play or activities at home we establish what is important, what is not, allow for growth without play becoming a free for all. We naturally listen so we don’t have to ask later. We learn to listen so the barriers dissolve. And by entering the play we establish a connection so that no one feels brushed off.

But what about my needs? I don’t want to be constantly in the midst of other people’s activities and play. I have my own agenda.

These words bespeak a single person without children. The role of parent is participation in the lives of those he or she is rearing. The very idea that someone can remain aloof, distant or other than the family is a wrong idea. That’s why playrooms away from the family space are a bad idea. Children need to play underfoot because that’s where they learn most – from those they love the most. When children slide off into other spaces, they separate from the parent and also become aloof.

But there’s mess. Yes, children come with a considerable amount of mess. But mess should only be mess for an allowed time. Mess is one of the greatest achievers of anger and violence in the household. By establishing a time when the mess gets picked up every evening and put away until the next day will allow other family times to emerge – like a dinner hour, like an after dinner family time, like bath time and finally a reasonable bed time – the toys are gone, the mess is over for the day, and now we can do what is also important.

A friend of mine asked me the other day about her children’s failure to clean up a mess that led to household anger. I reminded her that forfeit is an excellent plan in the event of reluctance of a child to take responsibility of cleaning his own mess. By using a clean unused garbage can with wheels, a parent can clean the offending mess at the appointed time and then park the can away for a time out of reach of the child. Whatever is in the can remains in the can for 24 hours. If it includes homework, school uniforms, glasses, whatever, it will show the child the need to take responsibility and help. When a child tells his teacher that he does not have his homework because he failed to comply with a parent’s need for help, he probably won’t do it again.
It doesn’t have to be angry.

By establishing a stop time for play, children understand other household needs. They begin to understand a new rhythm of activities. By understanding other household needs, manners begin to emerge again, and there is generally more peace at home.

Next time: manners and why they are the life of the home.

Yesterday was a really good day. We had lots of kids and the dramas and the play went really well. We are experiencing a business that we haven’t experienced for a long time. This is a good thing for us, because it allows teachers a wider scope in handling the issues of the many rather than the issues of the few.

I am teaching my class of 3 year olds how to count to 30. I chose thirty because the difference in the numbers from one to ten, then eleven to twenty, then twenty-one to thirty is more pronounced than any other order. I had to laugh when they all tried their luck at the abacus. India got up, gave me one of her “I can conquer the world” looks, and proceeded to say on the first bead, “Thirty.” I shook my head. “That’s the last one,” I said. “Sixteen?” she quizzed.

Isaac just blew everyone away. He just counted right up to thirty as though he was performing. It was cute and it was wonderful and he earned a candy bar.

They all tried, and all did something. We will continue to work on this. Try helping your child count while he is in the car.

We are beginning to make Christmas decorations. Make sure you ooh and aah over these wonderful little art creations. It means so much to them.

Friday we will be decking out the tree. Parents are welcome.

We are putting up another tree in front that will be for charity. Please consider being kind to others this year. A letter will follow.

Behavior is taught in the home. Children learn to behave through the example of parents, siblings, and guests who visit or even stay for a long time in a home. Children are remarkably interested in the behavior skills or the behavior errors of those they witness. But more than anyone else, a child will examine his parents’ behavior first and primarily and will copy it.

Good parents sometimes ask why a very young child, a child who is three or four or even five, is behaving poorly, why he’s angry or violent. The answer nearly always lies someplace at home. The copy cat behavior may be misinterpreted; it may be something taken out of context and misconstrued; it may be a one time thing a child has seen and continues to copy, but behavior patterns are patterns and they are learned.

Rarely do peers influence a child’s constant poor behavior. And teachers always lament that what children learn at school often evaporates at home. Normally, this is not a bad thing, because we want children to learn from parents first. The parent is the primary educator of the child, and that helps to make the home the primary teaching place. These are traditional values and well worth keeping.

When it doesn’t work, however, when values get misdirected at home, it’s hard to re-teach outside the home. That’s where cooperation comes in between home and school. A teacher’s job is to make sure that during a school day, a child is able to learn in a safe and structured environment. If children learn violence at home, they will bring it to school. If they learn disrespect at home, they will bring that to the classroom as well, and the actual teaching halts in a classroom in order to put safety back in place.

This is the time for intervention. It’s the time for parents to listen to teachers about helping children change behavior patterns.

Learning that violence is an acceptable way of life comes from seeing, hearing, and experiencing violence at the hands of parents. When parents shout at one another, when they occasionally hit one another or the dog, or kick the TV, or slam doors or throw things, children are learning.

And parents may not be lashing out themselves, but perhaps the music, TV or movies they are watching are demonstrating that violence is acceptable. If mom is watching this stuff, it must be a good way to act, so thinks the child. And he will begin to act out what he has seen on TV, from movies, from sports events and what he hears in song. And he will hit, bite, scratch, slap, and generally abuse those kids around him while he is playing the role of TV hero.

Children won’t make the distinction between heroes and barbarians, and a constant TV menu of violence can produce a violent child. A child may not even know he is violent. People of violence think they have a right to be violent and hurting, and will do it as often as they choose.

Angry parents will also produce angry children, and angry children will lash out at those around them. Even if parents hold it in, children may not be able to hold emotions in because they have not developed the skills to put anger away for the sake of others. Children will invariably copy an angry parents’ behavior by being artificially angry simply because that’s what dad does, or mom does, or grandma who slams her door all the time.

Parents who are constantly in a state of angry flux, frustrated by their days, impatient with others, irritated by what’s around them will create a mimicking child. This angry child will rise into an angry state as a first response to anything or everything and violence always follows.

The answer to correcting violence at home is to begin all over again today with a complete change of attitude. Finding out what triggers anger and then violence at home is essential. Stopping the adult behavior is the first step in correcting a violent child.

Questions for parents to ask to get to the bottom of anger issues:

1. Do I like being home, and am I happy there or would I rather be someplace else?
2. Is my TV or radio or music player on; is it on louder than the room’s conversation?
3. Am I aware of what is broadcasting as acceptable teaching material, or is the sound just on?
4. Can I name the last five TV shows my children watched?
5. How do I respond to my children after a long day?
6. How do I respond to my spouse and his or her problems when they walk in the door?
7. Do I bring my office or work frustrations home and take it out on my family?
8. When was the last time I laughed at home or hugged someone I’m suppose to love?
9. Am I creative at home or do I just expect everyone else to make the home work?
10. How do I view myself?
House guard
Housekeeper
House clown
House dog
House matriarch
House Atlas

Next time: Making it better