As children grow up and move into their own and independent lives, the role of the parent often continues to be “source and strength” for the child. That ideal of parenthood continues, but it continues on new ground. Many fledged children feel the vitality and freedom to explore and develop the ideas they formed in their teen years that directly contradict their parents philosophies. In response, parents cringe either because it’s such a direct conflict or parents see the eventual crush that will occur because they made those mistakes themselves.
As the years pass, the adult child continues to see his or her parents as the ollie ollie oxenfree of their own lives. Whether it’s financial, domestic, or their ability to cope, the safety zone of the older parent continues to be home base.
I was told by one of my children that one day in her mid twenties she suddenly discovered that I was human and flawed. It made me laugh at the time, but it ultimately meant that my pedestal had crashed and she didn’t need me anymore. Independence has its costs!
One of the things that I reflect on a lot in my older parent moments of reflection are the ever elusive “issues” we all have in life. Did I brush aside my parents’ issues because I was too busy with my own life? Did I allow my parents to have issues that I was willing to discuss with them? One of the things I have learned is that older people’s issues are often ignored because those issues not so gently gnaw at the very pillars of the pedestals we continue to suspend for our parents. If mom or dad has a problem, it’s a lot easier to sweep it, and all that comes with it, under the carpet because dealing with a crumbling mother or father is way more than most young people want to handle at any given time.
But the truth of the matter is that older people do have issues, and their ability to talk about those problems, fears and decisions are real, and they need the same time and effort that they routinely dish out to their children.
The idea that mom or dad never made a mistake and can never make a mistake often comes from a fear that if mom or dad is really human and not super parent, the idea must follow that I might be more on my own than I thought. People make mistakes, they err, and they make unpopular decisions. The question is more one of character than anything else. The question for children to ask about these unpopular times is: Is my parent making a mistake because they have lost character and are giving into popular whim, or are they maintaining a pattern they have always maintained? Is it really a mistake, or is it a decision that I don’t like.
One of the things rarely done about unpopular decisions is to ask the question lovingly, “Why did you do what you did, or what were you thinking that made you make that decision?” Too often the ire and impatience of the young takes over, and the questions why and what are backhanded and threatening if they do come out at all. No one likes to be put on the stand as witness to their own behavior. Differences of opinion are best met with love and affection than anger.
Strong people who rarely if ever give over their philosophies and ways of life to lesser things are often regarded as the family stumbling blocks rather than the family cornerstones. The difference between stumbling block and cornerstone is generosity. The generous loving parent who does not bend to whim is a cornerstone. The selfish, ingenuous, mean spirited person who suits him or herself is the stumbling block.
How often are older parents regarded as the stumbling block when they manifest all the traits of the cornerstone! In my own life, I’ve been regarded as the block of the moment dozens of times. Mostly because the generosity is received as a right rather than a gift, and expected rather than appreciated, and when the ax falls it always makes me the monster of the moment.
One of my unfailing issues is life. As a battered and abused child who nearly died in spontaneous abortion, my life philosophy puts life of the unborn, the ill and the elderly as precious and important. I believe that all life is the cement of a real civilization, and the idea that any one of the most vulnerable of our society would be discarded like garbage is so loathsome to me, I would risk alienation from anyone to defend my point of view.
Regarding the older adult parent as a whole person with a point of view that is often different from a more common newer point of view is an important leap for the younger thinking person. The framework of thought does not start now; it starts in youth, and is built upon many things that are no longer a part of our world. Many things are brought out of childhood as just and right and good, and that commitment to just and right and good will not be deterred by popular whim.
But all these things said, the truth is, as the generations grow old, the young parent of the day will be the older parent of tomorrow, and the battle will continue to wage. It will be asked of any generation, what did they accomplish, what did they do to make the world a better place for the next generation, and the answer should be – much.
