The Right Way to Praise Your Child
Greeley Tribune – Greeley, Colorado
Comment: this sounds a little Alfie Kohn. Not my favorite, but none the less worth reading. I think the question is: do we simply knee jerk our responses, or do we carefully make compliments that mean something. And for that matter, what’s the rest of our language skill like?
Promises for Children Promise #7: We promise to help parents learn positive parenting skills in our community.
We hear it all the time — we need to provide positive reinforcement and praise to our children, so they grow up possessing good self- esteem. But did you know that some praise actually makes children uncomfortable? And some can even inspire children to act out in a negative way –even as pre-schoolers?
How Does Praise Affect You?
How do you react when someone says you’re a great cook? Or tells you how smart you are? Or makes a remark about how handsome, or pretty you are? Do you deny the compliment? Do you feel threatened? Do you doubt the truth of the person? These are actually quite normal reactions to what’s known as positive judgment. You’re not responding to the positive nature of the compliment. It’s the judgment that bothers you. And it can really do a number on your kids.
The Negative Power of Positive Judgment.
It’s normal for parents to think their child is the brightest, most talented and cutest thing on the planet. But praise like, “you’re great…terrific…incredible” can be too much for anybody, even small children. Extravagant praise is hard to take. And if you’re like most people, you probably get uncomfortable whenever someone evaluates you. When someone tells you how pretty you are, most of us have an inner voice that reminds us of a time when we felt ugly. Children are no different. They often push away praise that evaluates, and sometime will act out in a negative manner. For example, if you tell a child what a great artist she is, she might tell you that her friend is better at drawing. If you tell your son he’s a terrific pitcher, he might become embarrassed by your bragging.
Evaluative praise can also make a child come to depend on the approval of others.
Ask yourself, “Does my praise make my child more dependent upon me and my approval? Do my words help her see her strengths and abilities?” And while it’s easy to toss out phrases like “Good Job! Wonderful! That’s Great!,” it’s a form of praise that gets children to conform to our wishes. It leads children to measure their worth in terms of what will make us smile and offer the words of praise they want.
Descriptive Praise Works Wonders.
Instead of evaluating your child in praise, try descriptive praise. Start by describing exactly what your child did. “Aidan, you did a great job striking out those two batters.” By doing this, your child will probably recognize the truth in your statement and feel comfortable accepting it. Oftentimes, the child will then accept his or her accomplishment, and praise himself. “Wow, I really am pitching better.”
It’s true that descriptive praise takes more time and thought, but the payoff is very much worth it. It offers unconditional love, rather than love that is conditional upon your approval. Descriptive praise has positive results:
» Children become independent and creative thinkers.
» They don’t look to others for approval.
» They grow up to trust themselves and their own judgment.
» They develop the confidence to determine if they’re happy with their actions or not.
» They learn how to make changes in their behavior based on their own evaluations.
Positive Judgment Descriptive Praise
Old habits can be hard to break. Don’t beat yourself up if you praise with positive judgment from time to time. But to help your child development that all-important positive sense of self, try to remember: Describe what you see and hear. And then describe what you feel. It will make a difference.
Linda Neigherbauer is the Director of Monfort Early Childhood Center on the Greeley campus of Aims Community College. She serves on the Coordinating Council for Promises for children and has been in the field of early childhood education for 35 years.