“You don’t listen to me,” is a most offensive statement – both coming and going. But the truth is, few people really listen. I once made the statement that “He listens like a man…for yes, and the dinner chime.” But the statement fell on deaf ears.

Being able to listen is a skill. Animals listen. Every morning when I pull into school, the barn cats hear MY car and come running. When I pull in in my husband’s car, they are not near as attentive. My car means food…they can hear the difference between the engines, and they can hear the difference because they listen.

“What did I say?” is a perfectly legitimate question in any argument. A good listener will be able to repeat what the other has said, because he has listened. It means that somebody has put someone else first. Letting someone else have the floor to say out loud what it is that is important to him or her is the hard part. Few people are generous enough, or well meaning enough to really WANT to stop, look and listen to someone struggling for a say.

A poor listener is like talking to an uncaring stranger. You can say the funniest thing, the most apt thing, make a statement that should be printed, and the poor listener will simply say, “Uh, huh,” and either change the subject or end the discussion. This poor listener is called a bore. This poor listener never remembers what you tell him…can’t remember to do the things you’ve asked, and never seems to really want to talk about much of anything except himself.

We can go on and on about listening, but the object of bringing all these things up is simply that the lack of listening power begins someplace and interestingly enough, it begins at age three. At three, a child begins to listen because he or she has discovered that other people are interesting.

Children who don’t listen are probably absorbed in their own little world. That could come from several things. On the down side, abuse, lack of feeling safe, too much parent time and not enough child time, and on the upside, repairable developmental delays and selfishness. As a child who grew up in an abusive home, I know that not listening meant I was safe – even for a few moments. As a child who grew up with all parent time and no child time, I developed an extraordinary imagination which had to have a place to go, so I blocked out the world. I could block out just about anything and it helped that I was strongly hard of hearing only able to get about three words in a sentence without lip reading. I grew up not listening as a formula for emotional, physical and moral survival…but that’s not the plight of most children.

Most children who should and don’t listen come from loving homes where mom and dad just don’t realize that they should be demanding about conversation, and this is how it happens:

When the same basic care a child receives as an infant is still going on at age six, you can bet that there will be some delays.  Mommy and daddy are still carrying junior, still chasing after him without dialogue, still telling him everything he needs to know…silently dressing, feeding, bathing, and junior is in his own little world, and mommy and daddy don’t even notice it.

By the time a child is two, language skills should be taking place with a fever. A two year old should be able to have a relatively in depth conversation using hundreds of words. That only comes about when constant and comprehensive conversation takes place. Conversation isn’t telling junior, but asking junior questions, and junior responding in full sentences. Language is a practiced skill. People talk TO a baby, but people should talk WITH a toddler. Talking WITH a very young child allows the child to understand that other people are interesting, that what he or she has to say is also interesting and valuable and there is an exchange.

At age three, the child who understands the give and take of language will be able to listen to learn. He or she will understand concepts quickly and with a broader world view simply because he knows how to listen.  The child who has not learned to enter into a conversation will not learn with the same energy or the same desire. He or she has instead developed the habit of self absorption and learning…giving someone else the floor… is on the far back burner.

Re-training a child means an all out effort to engage the child in conversation – a lot.  Quiz, quiz, quiz, and then STOP, LOOK, and LISTEN for the answer. Prod the answers…demand response, and in your spare time…sing with your child.

Give your child sequencing activities:

“Go to my dresser and get my red sweater and bring it to me.” A two year old should be able to do this.

“Go into the kitchen and bring mommy a spoon.”

“Go into my study and get me the red box on my desk.”

Children who listen can sequence activities.

More important than reading to a child is a lively conversation around the dinner table that engages a whole family. It’s not JUST about the child; it’s about the whole family. “I’ve told you about my day, Johnny, now what toys did you play with at school?” Then wait for an answer…a whole answer in a whole sentence.

When a child shrugs and gives a one word answer, repeat slowly what you want. If he does not listen and refuses to engage, send him away from the table. He’s escaping what he should be doing, and that won’t correct the problem. Be sure to ask questions a child can answer. Don’t ask “why” questions. A child under seven can’t answer them. Don’t be too general…ask about specific people or things. “Who is your friend?” What toy do you like best?”

Increasing listening skills is not hard. It takes about three months of work. And when those three months are over, I will promise that you will see a remarkable new little person emerge; one you will treasure.